Wednesday, January 9, 2013

should auld resolutions be forgot and never brought to mind?

if my history is any indication: yep.

But hear, hear. Fresh year, fresh delusions. Let's try again shall we? The Jessie of 2013 hereby cements these resolutions into blogdom, to be thrown in her face if(when) they haven't been accomplished by this time 2014. Please note that my resolutions and Jordan's resolutions align on a couple of occasions. She doesn't know yet but she's gonna find out.

1. Exercise. Ew.
You know how I feel about it.. What you don't know is I've been on exercise sabbatical for about two months. A sabbatical? yes. Because it was a distinguished leave of absence while I daintily *stuffed my face* over the holidays thereby ensuring maximum weight gain. Efficient and methodical-like.

On January 2nd I rededicated myself to physical pain and anguish and suffering and drama, but this go-'round I'm wising up. I found myself hating running with every fiber of my body mass index, and getting frustrated at my utter inability to get accustomed to the awful or to even noticeably progress (unless we're allowing not  dry heaving at the stop light 1/8 mile from my home to be "progress"). This made it oh so easy to give up and not look back for two months. So, I'm lowering the bar. Yes lowering. We, my limited athleticism and I, have decided that power walking for half an hour is more our speed. And yep, I look as ridiculous as the term "power walking" sounds. I'm starting here and working my way up the intensity and duration chain. The last of the Jordanweight must depart from its long-time home of Jessie-thighs&belly. Commence eviction.

2. Potty train.
Think about potty training.
Let the phantom menace of the idea of potty training linger on some remote precipice in the sub-subconscious.

3. Cut the Crap.
I've already been trying to eat cleaner, and rawer and fresher too. This is not a new new year's resolution. My Achilles are sweets of any variety but I stand immovably firm on never ever ever not on your life buying any type for this apartment.  I haven't passed this memo to my coworkers, however, who pepper my innocent path to the file room with chocolate roadblocks perched invitingly on their cabinets, or who insist on being thoughtful of each other's birthdays by commemorating the occasion with cake. Who do they think they are? Enablers.

A recent trip to the dentist revealed.....five cavities......Ih, I know. I assured the dentist that I floss frequently (I actually do!!), brush at least twice a day (duh!!) and gargle on occasion. He in turn assured me that I have genetically soft teeth (thanks ancestors) making it super simple for bacteria to mosey on in to my molar crevices but muy difficult for my toothbrush to excavate it all. So, in honor of good health and delicate pearlies, let the detoxing begin. 

4. Binky Wean.
I'm really not looking forward to this one. Not-at-all. Jordan's collection of binkies is the ultimate cure-all and they diffuse pretty much every potentially hazardous situation.

 Crisis: who can say. Probably just found out she doesn't have eyebrows.
Antidote: almighty paci

These, and her family of blankets and boardbooks keep Jordan playing happily in her crib for up to an hour after I hear her first morning chirps. But apparently binkies can adversely affect mouth development, and heck, it's just wouldn't be an aesthetically appealing face accessory by the time she turns 4, and that's about how long I'm anticipating this battle to last. Best get started.

5. Don't be so naive.
I turn a nasty shade of chartreuse every time I happen upon posts about fatty foods and treats written by itsy bitsy tiny bloggers. It's truly not fair. But then I realize: Jess, these ladies probably kick their skinny bottoms working out to maintain and improve their physique (see my commitment to item 1). Or, just as likely, they don't actually eat this food that they've photographed. They take this picture, so as to demonstrate to their followers that "they're just like us!", then savor the idea of the flavor, and pull it up on their phones whenever they get an urge to binge. But really, they only consume zucchini and the occasional tofu nugget (see my commitment to item 3).

6. Don't let fame and glory go to your head
even if, thanks to Grace, checking yesterday's stats immediately triggers the Chariots of Fire theme song in my brain and made me feel like this

all day. (I've never seen this movie, featuring Cher, but the poster is the first thing that pops into my head when I think "stoked.")

Rest assured, please, that my head is not in danger of being inflated. I have a husband who inadvertently keeps my grounded. When I was bubbling over about pageviews yesterday, Sean responded, "That's awesome! You seem really excited. I guess I can tell you now that sometimes, when you would get down about your traffic, I would refresh you blog page like 20 times."
And then I think about all those times I only got 24 pageviews.

This concludes my 2013 goals. An ambitious year, surely. The fact that I'm posting resolutions no less than 9 days after the commencement of 2013 should tell you something of my impetus as it stands now, but hey, a girl can change. What else are new years for?

That'd be the natural progression of time, Jess.


  1. Love your list! As for the binky wean - we start by making it only for bed/nap time. Then we get rid of it completely around 3 when they can understand that it's going to a baby in need ;) Our problem is that my fifth baby is a thumbsucker, and there's no cutting that off so it's gonna be haaaard!

  2. This post is great! Binky wean sounds like the 7th layer of hell.

  3. Awesome list! :) I have made zero resolutions at this point so you are way ahead of me girl! So glad to hear what a sweet husband my cousin is to you!! Ha!

    1. I think he was confused by my reaction cuz I looked all wounded and he was thinking, "look what a cute husband I am" :) but ya know, he is

  4. I have a friend who still remembers her parents taking her soother away when she was 3 with a certain degree of resentment :) When it came time for _her_ daughter to lose the binky, she swore by the 'binky fairy' (a fairy who comes in the night and like the tooth fairy replaces the binkies with something else desirable). She waited until her daughter was old enough to understand the concept, and said it worked wonderfully; her daughter was furious with the mean ol' fairy, but held nothing against her, I guess because she viewed her parents as equally hapless victims of the fairy's visit :)

    1. Ok that's a totally awesome idea. I don't think I can start on that quite yet (but hey, procrastination is my favorite) because Jordan wouldn't understand but I'll have to use that one eventually.

      I love how creative we parents can be about these things...

  5. I LOVE that Sean personally upped your pageviews. How adorable. Good luck with the resolutions...I re-adopted last year's (one) resolution if that clues you into my success rate...